Published June 18, 2005
I didn't know where this belonged.. Almost nowher because it's not to be seen.. Mods may move this , I don't mind.
Unseen performance I (changed)
‘The Haunted and left behind dance Studio’
Place feelings in this realm of emptiness
express on this floor above quills
See with blind eyes, these broken lights
haunted by the enormous darkness
‘Action left behind shadow prints’
Smash the layered dust the floor lugs
With trace, leaving them bounded
by old sprinkles, rising once again
and easily reforms this glittery air
‘Reminisce, Come to life, my friends’
Notes of music fill the glittery air
Unique shaped shadows enter, more and
more imprints unhide, gathered and solo’s
In one glint of an eye, lights of fire flame
Thanks to Uniaeca for the encouragement
Xia
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I agree with Liz. The atmosphere is really nice, and the whole poem has a magical quality, like shadows.
mmmm all right..
Good point about 'lovely' what about 'unique shaped' instead... and I guess about the last 'imprints' shouldn't be there.. and maybe neither in the fourth stanza..
I'm thinking of changing the whole last stanza...
Thank You Liz
Great. I love the atmosphere you created. The only things I had a problem with were the repetition of "Imprints" in the fourth and sixth stanzas, and the use of "Lovely" describing the shadows in stanza six. Those things detract from the poem slightly. You might want to find another word for lovely, as it's too objective and doesn't give a clear idea. What is lovely, exactly? It means a different thing to each person. Make it more clear.
Apart from that, great job!